| Anger management |
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Introduction
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Explaining anger |
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What can I do about managing
my anger? |
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Books and other help |
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| Select any section that interests you or
else read on through the page. |
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| Introduction |
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because you are angry does not necessarily mean you have
a problem. Most people have been angered at times in their
lives. It is after all part of the natural response that
helps our survival and helps us to protect others. Here
are some examples of when anger is helpful and healthy.
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It
gives us the courage to defend ourselves or those
we love. |
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It motivates
us to improve the world by inspiring social action
and justice. |
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It confirms
our individuality, especially when we are children.
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It warns
others not to take advantage of us. |
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The
person who is not able to admit any anger
risks depression, low self-esteem and victimisation!
Frequent or excessive anger is not useful; in fact it
is likely to have a negative effect on your health, to
spoil your relationships with others and to limit your
life experiences and ability to achieve happiness. Here
is a guide which asks if you have any of the following
symptoms of excessive unhealthy anger? |
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A pattern of repeating
the same angry words or deeds in particular situations. |
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An inclination to shout at people or to use violent
words |
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A tendency to brood or fantasise about angry scenes
with people |
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An inability
to deal with difficult situations without becoming
angry |
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A temptation or recourse to violence, possibly
resulting in trouble with the law |
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A reliance on getting angry to make you feel better |
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Substituting
getting angry about a problem for solving or learning
to live with that problem |
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Anger-linked health problems such as hypertension
or digestive trouble |
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Being recognised as an angry person and so teased,
appeased or feared by others |
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Having a strong prejudice against strangers because
of their race, gender etc. |
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Avoiding
situations because you fear your temper. |
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| Explaining
anger |
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| There is no simple explanation why some
people are angrier than others; some of it might depend
on our character or our early experiences. However the
following contributory factors definitely act to maintain
the situation. |
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Habit - anger can become an
automatic response to certain situations - and this
habit can be reinforced by others if they have become
used to us getting angry |
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Fear - anger can be felt as a response
to situations that we fear will overwhelm us if
we do not go on the offensive. |
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Shame - anger can spring from the feeling
that we have to fight to preserve our dignity and
sense of self-worth |
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Loss
- anger commonly accompanies the sadness which
goes with a bereavement or severe set-back |
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Lack of assertiveness - if you cannot speak
up for yourself and get some of your own way by
negotiation you may find yourself exploding instead
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Low frustration tolerance - when you go
on the attack to deal with situations that most
people would just put up with |
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Response
to past trauma - if you have been badly hurt
in the past you may understandably be reacting over-aggressively
towards anything that seems threatening in the present
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As a symptom of psychological or physical conditions
- conditions that involve constant pain, changed
hormone level or mental disturbance may trigger
anger. |
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| What
can I do about managing my anger? |
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There
are three steps to anger management
1. Understand
the pay-offs and the triggers
2. Learn
to calm yourself down in crisis situations
3. Learn
strategies to prevent anger arising in future
1.
Understanding the pay-offs and the triggers
Undoubtedly you will get some short-term benefits
from your anger. Most of these can be gained more effectively
by other means such as assertion. However, in the short-term
you may have to experience some discomfort as you lose
some of the immediate gains of anger such as:-
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I feel so much better afterwards |
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It makes people listen |
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I feel more like myself when I am angry |
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If I didn't get angry about things I'd just cry
all the time |
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When I show my anger then people know where they
stand and that's good |
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Anger stops me being afraid |
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If I don't show my anger then people will think
I am a wimp |
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Probably even as you read this you will
begin to see that some of these things can be achieved
by other more healthy means.
Now decide what particular situations trigger your anger
so that you can practice staying calm when they next arise.
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| 2.
Calming yourself down in crisis situations |
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appropriate response depends on the situation - e.g. whether
you get angry when alone or when in dispute with another.
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Substitute activities |
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Describe the room to yourself around you in purely
neutral terms. |
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Look at things, not people |
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Think of things you have to do today |
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Count to 10 (it does work!) |
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Avoidance |
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Repeat what the other person has said
and ask for time to consider |
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Leave if you think you might otherwise lose your
temper or be violent |
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Change brain rhythms |
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Play music to yourself and listen
closely; if you don't have access to music, listen
to it inside your head |
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Take exercise of some form |
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Relaxation |
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Alter your breathing, holding each
breath for 5 seconds |
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Tense and relax muscles; tensing each in turn,
holding for 5 seconds then releasing. |
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Massage yourself particularly on your stomach
and chest |
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Change postures and roll shoulders |
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Imagery |
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Imagine a relaxing scene |
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Imagine laughing at yourself and the situation
later |
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Imagine neutral scenes, especially ones with people
in them |
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| 3. Learning Strategies
to prevent Anger arising in the Future |
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Decide whether your anger is healthy
or unhealthy (see above) |
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Avoid stimulants such as alcohol or other drugs
if you are working on a long term solution |
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Read about the subject |
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Ask others who get less angry than you how they
do it and try their ideas |
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Develop a generally more relaxed lifestyle and
try to manage stress better |
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Challenge your angry thoughts |
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Beware of disguised anger such as in sarcasm or
cruel jokes |
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Learn to assert yourself, maybe even go on an
Assertion Skills course |
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Consider the past origins of your anger |
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Share your concern with a Counsellor |
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Seek out specific Therapy for Anger with referral
to a Clinical Psychologist or Psychotherapist who
targets this trouble. |
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| Books and other
help |
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| The University
Student Counselling Service (USCS) |
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| Helpful
hints on anger though this site is is quite idiosyncratic
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Reading
Windy Dryden
"Overcoming Anger" Sheldon Press. 1996
Possibly the most comprehensive and readable of the selection
Ron & Pat Potter-Effron "Letting
Go of Anger" New Harbinger 1995
Ron
Potter-Effron "Angry All the Time" New Harbinger
1994
Carol Tavris "Anger: the Misunderstood
Emotion" Touchstone. NY. 1989
Harriet
Lerner "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing
the Patterns of Intimate Relationships" Harper Collins
1997
Lorraine Bilodeau"The Anger
Workbook" Compcare Publications. 1992 |
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| Adapted from material produced
by Royal Holloway College, the University of London |
