| Worrying about appearance |
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Introduction
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Behaviour associated
with worry about appearance |
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Causes of the worry
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Things you can do |
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Counselling Help |
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| Select any section that interests you or
else read on through the page. |
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| Introduction |
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| Most of us at some times in our life feel
some concern about our personal appearance. For some people
this concern just affects them occasionally, maybe when
other things in their life have gone wrong and their confidence
is at a low ebb. For others it is a more permanent worry
and they spend much time pre-occupied by the thought that
they are physically unattractive. In recent years enough
people have manifested this concern for it to be recognised
as a specific form of distress and given a formal title
- dysmorphia. Sometimes the worry is linked to a particular
physical feature or to the visible traces of some ailment
or accident. For other people, the worry is more general.
These worries can be a source of great distress, sometimes
linked to depression, social isolation or intense self-
consciousness. Often people feel particularly isolated
since friends and family seek to reassure them without
understanding the depth of unhappiness which they are
feeling. |
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| Behaviour
associated with worry about appearance |
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If you are worried about your appearance,
you may find some of the following behaviour patterns
familiar.
Pre-occupation
You may find that you spend a significant portion of every
day considering the features of yourself that you dislike
- contemplating them in detail; wishing they were different;
looking for ways to disguise them. Frequently this time
spent does not lead to helpful solutions to the worry,
but rather intensifies it.
Comparison
When you are concerned about some aspect of your appearance,
you may find yourself continually comparing the features
of others. Instead of being able to enjoy conversations
with others or television programmes and films for their
positive contents, you may focus on the details of others'
personal appearance and use perceived differences to draw
negative conclusions about yourself.
Self-consciousness
You may find that in many situations you are acutely aware
of your own feelings and worries and that you are slightly
removed from events, looking on and wondering what others
think of you rather than simply being yourself in that
setting.
Avoidance and contrived behaviour
You may then choose to avoid social situations; refuse
to take normal care in enhancing your attractiveness or
to deny yourself the chance of a close and caring relationships.
Alternatively you may continue to mix with others, but
may take great care to present yourself in a certain way,
to wear particular clothes or adopt a certain role so
that you avoid others' scrutiny.
Hopelessness
and Depression
If you feel that you are not attractive to others, you
may then find it hard to feel positive about the future.
This may be linked to feelings of depression (tearfulness,
disturbed sleep, unpredictable appetite, sense of low
self-worth). |
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| Causes
of the worry |
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Some of the following factors may contribute
to your unhappiness
Our current overemphasis
on appearance
Society is probably more fixated on physical appearance
at the moment than at any previous times. Great care is
taken by all celebrities to ensure they look perfect when
they are seen and to suppress all pictures of them looking
less than ideal. The proliferation of these unreal images
is thought to be linked with eating disorders and with
many ordinary people's dissatisfaction with their own
appearance.
Our poor understanding of what
constitutes attractiveness as opposed to beauty
Defining why we find other people attractive is difficult.
In long-term studies of happy couples, the qualities that
people find attractive seem to include kindness and thoughtfulness,
humour and carefreeness, shared interests and common goals.
However these qualities are quite elusive and difficult
to define, so there is a natural tendency to overestimate
the importance of physical good looks which are more easily
quantified and readily visible.
Getting caught
in the trap of depression
People who are happy, carefree and spontaneous tend to
be more attractive to others than those who are sad and
preoccupied. They also look physically more attractive.
Therefore a vicious circle can develop in which we become
depressed because we decide we are unattractive; then
we look less attractive because we are depressed. This
is even more likely to be the case if being depressed
means we are not taking care of ourselves.
Not being able to get past first impressions
One could argue that strikingly beautiful or handsome
people do not have to find ways to meet people or start
conversations, as they are more likely to be approached
by others. Even if this is true, introductions are of
course only the first part of a relationship, and once
we meet someone our estimation of them usually changes.
However, getting to know people is one of the harder parts
of forming relationships and takes courage. If we have
convinced ourselves that physical appearance is all that
matters and that we are deficient in that area, we are
less likely to get over the first hurdle. If it is any
consolation, people who are strikingly attractive frequently
report the opposite problem - that they feel intensely
lonely because they find it hard to get people to take
them seriously and to move beyond small talk and casual
sex in order to enter into deeper relationships.
Memories and associations
If we have been mistreated, bullied or taunted in the
past because of some aspect of our appearance, we can
end up continuing to feel dissatisfied with ourselves
rather than placing the blame where it really lies - with
those who acted in such a cruel way. Similarly, aspects
of our appearance can remind us of unhappy times. For
example, if we have been through a long period of loneliness,
we may well wear a habitually sorrowful or closed expression.
If we then label ourselves as unattractive, we may then
not give ourselves the chance of replacing the old unhappy
experiences with new positive ones. Finally, family features
- shape of nose, colour of hair - may bring to mind others
in the family with whom we have had difficult relationships.
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| Things
you can do |
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Get to know yourself and your thought
patterns better
The first step in dealing with preoccupations is to make
yourself aware of how precisely you tend to think. Are
there times when you are particularly concerned about
your appearance? Why might this be? Are there other times
when you do not worry about it? Why does this happen?
A bit of self- analysis in this way may help you to see
a pattern.
Create a break in the routine of preoccupation
If there is a specific pattern, look for ways of modifying
it. For example if you find you spend a lot of time studying
yourself in the mirror when you wake up and so upset yourself,
consider putting off looking in the mirror until you are
dressed and ready to leave. Many people find it hard to
decide what to wear in the morning. Choose your clothes
the night before, and discipline yourself to put them
on in the morning even if you feel less certain of your
choice. If you find yourself comparing yourself with the
famous and beautiful in films, challenge yourself to concentrate
on the plot and how you would act in their place rather
than on their appearance.
Question your self-punishing
thoughts
We cannot change our thinking overnight. However, we can
begin to stop summarily condemning ourselves without even
giving ourselves a fair trial. When you are feeling negative
about your appearance, practice listing the positive things
about yourself and the perfectly good reasons why you
may not be looking your best at that moment. Be creative
in inventing as many virtues and excuses as you can. You
may not immediately change your mind, but at least you
will be beginning to be fair to yourself.
Be
kind to yourself and practice self-acceptance
This is one of those things that is much easier to say
than do. Many of us have developed an ingrained habit
of self-reproach and are far less caring and accepting
of ourselves than we are of our friends. You can however
make a start. Try to spend up to fifteen minutes each
day being kind to yourself. When you decide to do something
to pamper yourself - whether it is listening to music,
having a snack, relaxing in a bath, talking on the phone
or whatever - do it wholeheartedly and undistractedly.
It will probably feel uncomfortable and self-indulgent
at first, but try and persist until it becomes a habit.
Deal with depression
If the symptoms of depression such as lethargy, hopelessness,
tearfulness and self-reproach persist, do seek separate
help. We have a leaflet on depression; both counselling
and medication are possible and effective treatments.
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| Counselling
help |
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| Anyone suffering from a preoccupation about
themselves can experience great loneliness and unhappiness
and can feel very trapped. Counselling will give you a
chance to explore your worries in a friendly, supportive
atmosphere and to consider ways of becoming more comfortable
with you feelings. Contact the USCS by phone 233 - 4107
or by email) if you want to make an appointment. |
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| Adapted from material produced
by Royal Holloway College, the University of London |
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