| Bereavement and loss |
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Introduction
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Your own grief |
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The reaction of others |
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How can you help yourself? |
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...and afterwards |
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Books |
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Further help |
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| Select any section that interests you or
else read on through the page. |
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| Introduction |
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| Different culture groups have different
ways of marking the death of someone they love. Some mourn
in a way which celebrates the life of the deceased; others
make a great and visible show of their grief . Traditionally,
we in Britain are generally very low key in our response
to death, marking it with a funeral and perhaps a gathering
afterwards, but with no recognised period of mourning
and often no great show of feeling. This can leave people
feeling very alone in dealing with the intense personal
emotions they may be experiencing. |
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| Your
own grief |
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The death of someone who is significant
to you is one of the hardest things you will experience
in your life. Whether it is expected or a shock, the enormity
of loss is something that impacts on you in a very profound
way.
Grief takes a long time to work through. There are no
hard and fast guidelines for this. It takes as long as
it takes, but as a general rule it will take longer than
you expect. It is important not to try to 'get over it'
too quickly, not to adopt a 'stiff upper lip' attitude.
Grief is an inevitable and human response. If suppressed,
it may well surface at some later, less appropriate stage.
Sometimes there seems to be an expectation that you will
have recovered after a certain time has elapsed, but everyone
has their own recovery time which cannot be hurried. The
first anniversary of the death is an important milestone
and can be particularly difficult. Subsequent birthdays
and anniversaries can be poignant reminders of your loss,
and you may need to find your own way of dealing with
such times by either marking them as special commemorative
events or by ensuring you distract yourself while time
passes.
Bereavement is an entirely individual experience. No one
can tell you how you will or should feel. Everyone grieves
in their own special way but there are some generally
accepted and recognised reactions: |
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You may at first feel totally numb,
as if paralysed |
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You may find yourself unable to believe the person
really is dead |
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You may find yourself very angry at being deserted
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You
may feel an enormous sense of unfairness |
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You may find yourself crying uncontrollably and
unable to function as normal |
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You may feel guilty about surviving, about not
having said goodbye; about leaving things unresolved
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You may feel an aching void, as if you have lost
a limb, which you feel will never be filled again
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You
may be traumatised if the death has been in any
way violent such as through an accident, suicide
or murder. |
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| The
reaction of others |
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You will be aware that people around you
will react in very different ways to your grief.
There will be those who very much want to help in practical
ways, or by giving you emotional support. It is up to
you to guide them as to how they may best help you; whether
you need a listening ear, or maybe need to be left alone
for a while. Remember, they can't know what will help
unless you tell them. Don't be afraid to take up offers
of help; it is not a sign of weakness to lean on someone
when you need support.
There will be others who are unable to cope with your
grief, who may not be able to talk about the death or
even acknowledge it. This is usually because it either
raises profoundly difficult feelings in them, or because
they simply don't know what to do or say. This can seem
very hurtful if you don't understand what may be behind
this seemingly unfeeling behaviour, but it is not uncommon. |
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| How
can you help yourself? |
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| Here are some suggestions which you may
find helpful. |
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Recognise that mourning takes its
time and you cannot hurry it along. |
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Allow yourself to cry, scream or shout and forgive
yourself for doing so at 'inappropriate' moments
if that is what you need to do. Don't feel guilty
about doing so, even if you feel others are critical
of you. |
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Accept whatever help you are offered from friends,
relatives, religious ministers etc. |
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Recognise your need to talk about the deceased,
even if you need to do so over and over again, and
allow yourself to do so until the need lessens.
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If you are worried about over-using friends, talk
to a Student Counsellor or other professional helper.
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If and when you feel ready,consider reading some
of the literature on death and loss. Some books
are suggested below. You may find this useful and
comforting. |
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Think about concrete ways of doing something to
ease your pain. Would it help to write a letter
to the deceased saying what you perhaps didn't manage
to say in their lifetime? Would you like to plant
a tree or shrub in their memory and watch it blossom?
Could you light a candle in remembrance on special
days? |
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Do whatever you need to do, recognising that this
is a most testing and difficult times in your life.
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| ...and
afterwards |
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| Anyone suffering from a preoccupation about
themselves can experience great loneliness and unhappiness
and can feel very trapped. Counselling will give you a
chance to explore your worries in a friendly, supportive
atmosphere and to consider ways of becoming more comfortable
with you feelings. Contact the USCS by phone 233 - 4107
or by email)
if you want to make an appointment. |
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| Books |
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The Courage to Grieve Judy Tatelbaum
A very understanding book about many aspects of grief
and mourning
Facing Grief: Bereavement and
the Young Adult Susan Wallbank
Specifically written for age 18-28 and dealing with specific
losses eg. Grandparent, sibling, partner, baby, friend.
A Special Scar: The Experience of People
Bereaved by Suicide Alison Wertheimer
Well constructed, helpful and compassionate.
All these books are recommended by CRUSE.
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| Further help |
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In the University
The
USCS
The
Chaplaincy
Outside the University
British Association
of Counsellors
1 Regent Place,
Rugby CV21 2PJ
Cruse
Centenary House
North Street
Leeds LS2 8AY
Tel: 0113 234 4150
Cruse Bereavement Line: 0181 332 7227 |
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| Adapted from material produced
by Royal Holloway College, the University of London |
