| Helping a friend in a
crisis |
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Introduction
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Helpful things to do |
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Unhelpful things, best
avoided |
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Confidentiality |
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Sources of help for yourself
and your friend |
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| Select any section that interests you or
else read on through the page. |
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| Introduction |
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| We come up against all sorts of difficulties
in our lives and sometimes these difficulties, for whatever
reason, are just too much. In this case our usual coping
strategies are overwhelmed. We cannot cope with the things
we usually cope with, let alone the difficulties that
triggered the crisis. |
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| In this situation people go to pieces in
different ways. Some will withdraw or become helpless,
some will become angry, aggressive or tearful, some will
try to flee or deny that anything is wrong, some will
self harm or abuse drugs or alcohol. Sometimes the stress
and sense of urgency that people feel can make the difficulties
seem worse. |
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| If you know someone going through anything
like this, you will know that a crisis has powerful effects
on everyone around. It is common, as a friend, to want
to help, but at the same time either to have strong feelings
about the situation and about what should be done, or
to feel helpless and feel that you have no idea how to
help. |
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| Helpful
things to do |
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| Listen and show that you understand your
friend’s predicament. |
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| Keep calm. Remember that urgency is infectious
and you are probably picking it up from your friend. It
is not your urgency and you do not need to let it become
so. |
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| It may be helpful to speak of your own experiences
of similar difficulties. However, remember that your feelings
in the face of such difficulties may differ from your
friend’s. |
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| Decide, in your own mind, how much you are
able to give to this particular friend in this particular
situation. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself on this.
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| Once you have decided, think through the
kind of things you will need to say and do in order to
show your boundaries clearly. This will reassure your
friend that he or she is not overburdening you. |
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| Remember that you are not obliged to care.
The choice is yours. Do not feign affection as this leads
to worse difficulties. |
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| Look after yourself. This means giving time
to your own needs. Supporting others is stressful and
you will need to get away to recharge your batteries. |
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| Don’t forget your other friends and
make sure you use them for support. Keep up with your
studies |
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| Accept the fact that you will have mixed
feelings about the situation and about your friend. This
is human and you can expect it. It is common to feel frustration
and anger as well as sympathy. |
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| If your friend wants to see a professional
then you could gather information on suitable helping
services (see below). |
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| Keep checking with your friend what they
think would be helpful. You want to encourage your friend
to keep as much control of their life as possible, so
decide things together rather than taking responsibility
away from them. |
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| Involve others so that your friend has a
support team rather than just you. This is a much easier
situation to handle. |
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| You could ask for professional support yourself.
Counselling is available for these situations. |
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| Unhelpful
things, best avoided |
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| Giving loads of advice |
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| Telling the person what to do |
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| If you don’t define and stick to your
boundaries you can find the strength of your friend’s
need has taken over your life and you end up in emotional
overdraft or feeling resentful. |
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| In the end it doesn’t help your friend
and it certainly doesn’t help you. Sometimes the
helper will end up in a worse mess than the person they
started out to help and the friendship never recovers.
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| Confidentiality |
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| Check with your friend before you speak
to other people about their situation. |
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| However, if you become worried about your
friend’s safety, or the safety of others, then it
would be best to contact local helping agencies, even
if you do not have permission to do so (see below, ‘People
to Contact in an Emergency’). |
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| Sources
of help for yourself and your friend |
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| If your friend is a student at Leeds University
encourage him or her to use the Drop In service at USCS
or make an appointment to see a counsellor. If your friend
is a student at another college / university, contact
the appropriate counselling service. |
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| If your friend is not a student, he or she
can contact the Leeds Crisis Centre (0113 275 5898) or
the Samaritans (0845 790 9090) |
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| People to contact in an emergency
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Call your friend’s doctor |
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Call the Police and/or Ambulance – dial
999 |
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Go to Accident and Emergency at LGI or St James’
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| Also (where appropriate) |
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University Security |
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University Hall Warden / Adviser |
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University Chaplaincy
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| Note: In cases of emergency,
staff at the Chaplaincy and at the Leeds Student Medical
Practice will visit distressed students in their home
/ hall of residence. USCS staff do not make home visits.
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| Don’t hesitate to use them
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| Adapted from material produced
by Royal Holloway College, the University of London |
