| Coping with relationship
problems |
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Introduction
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Dealing with problems in your family |
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Dealing with problems in your personal relationships |
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Sexual problems |
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| Select any section that interests you or
else read on through the page. |
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| Introduction |
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Relationships
- whether family or intimate relationships with a partner
- can be a great source of love, pleasure, support and
excitement. However they can also be a source of grief
and anguish if they go wrong. The issue is made more relevant
for students by the fact that most people in a university
are in a period of personal change, which can make them
feel less sure of what they want or how they can expect
others to react.
Research into what makes relationships work successfully
- whether family relationships, friendships or partnerships
- tend to come up with the same few things:
Acceptance
of difference
People
in successful relationships do not try to force the
others to be exactly like them; they work to accept
difference even when this difference is profound.
Capacity for boundaries
People are aware that there is a point where they
stop and the other person begins. Sadly, it is unrealistic
to expect others to solve all our problems or meet
all our need - even though we may hope for this at
times.
Operating mainly in the present
Once relationships either focus on repeatedly
picking over past events, or else are based only on
the hope that things will be better tomorrow, they
tend to go off the rails.
Respect for individual choice
It is accepted that each person has the right
to decide their own direction in life: the relationship
then adapts to follow this.
- Skill
in negotiating
Once each individual has decided what they
want, the couple or family are able to work out a
way to fulfil these different goals without anyone
having to compromise totally.
Sharing positive feelings
In a couple this may be sexual intimacy; however
it can also just be pleasantness and kindness, as
it is in a family.
The headings
come from research carried out by Beaver (1985).
Thus it might seem that a relationship requires quite
a lot of individual skill and self-sufficiency which can
be a bit off-putting at first. However it is comforting
to consider the research of John Bowlby on attachment
(1975). He concluded that human beings are innately social
and tend instinctively to know how to form close attachments
to others.
Relationship
problems often arise not because we never learned what
to do, but because we have lost touch with this instinctive
good sense and become over-anxious about our relationships.
This may be because we have lost our own self-respect
and sense of our personal worth; it may be because we
are in personal distress and so putting too much pressure
on our relationships; it may be because we have had unfortunate
experiences in past relationships and so have temporarily
lost our ability to trust.
We may have been out of touch with our ability to make
successful relationships for so long that we may doubt
if we ever had it. However most people seem able to recover
these skills if they put their mind to it.
Much work on improving a relationship can start with the
individual. If one person is clear and reasoned about
what they want and more consistent about how they ask
for it, the whole relationship can begin to be put on
a different basis. |
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| Dealing
with problems in your family |
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Family
problems can be difficult to get a handle on as there
might be a lot of people involved. Also most of us are
not used to looking at our families objectively - we
tend to think they are just our family and that is how
it is. However a bit of reflection and analysis can
take the heat out of a lot of difficult situations.
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| 1. |
Try
and think objectively about what you are trying
to achieve. Give yourself the benefit of
any doubt and attribute the best motives to your
behaviour. Get together all the examples you can
of where the plan has worked for others etc. Maybe
get a friend to help you. You don't have to write
it down, just think it through. If at this point
you realise you're doing the wrong thing, you might
want to make a strategic withdrawal! However let's
assume you end up convinced you know what you are
doing and you have a bit of evidence to back this
up. |
| 2. |
Think
about why your family is disagreeing with you.
There is probably more than one reason. Maybe they
don't understand your plan; maybe they had a course
of action decided for you; maybe they have some
worries and anxieties of their own. Make a real
effort to think yourself into their shoes even though
their behaviour may be very frustrating to you.
Imagine discussing the question with them - think
of what you might say and how they might reply.
When you've thought of what might be worrying them,
think creatively of ways of reassuring them. If
it helps, make a list of their worries and reassurances.
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| 3. |
Find
some way of discussing it. That's easy
if your family are talkers, but many families aren't.
However you can still find an opportunity to calmly
mention your plans, to give a few examples of others
who have done the same, to reassure their fears
and sympathise with their disappointment. You may
have to drop your points into the conversation over
a time. Don't expect a miracle - people rarely change
their opinion overnight. Don't feel you have to
have total agreement; stop the discussion while
the going is still good and come back to it a few
days later. If they see you're serious and that
some of their worries have been considered they
will probably be a bit more agreeable the next time.
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This
is obviously a very simple example, but a similar approach
can help in many situations. Frequently the conflict can
be the other way round; many families find a son or daughter
leaving for university is the catalyst for them to make
changes. Sometimes it can be impossible to find agreement.
If you are interested in dicsussing the situation further
or if find you can't use the techniques described in this
simple example - maybe the problem is too complex; you
find it too upsetting; someone is too entrenched - counselling
with the USCS may help you to clarify what is going on
and to find a way to deal with it.
Suggested Reading
Robin Skinner and John Cleese - Families and How to
Survive Them - Methuen
A
lighthearted book which nonetheless explores many of the
dynamics of family life well. |
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| Dealing
with problems in your personal relationships |
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Large books and lengthy courses have been
created to explore the infinite complexity of human relationships.
Problems can arise from a large number of sources and
it can frequently need some care to help disentangle the
mixture of influences. These problems can be intensified
by the pressures from others to form or end a relationship
and the general pressures from the media which give an
idealised view of couples which is often at odds with
the reality many people experience.
Here are
some simple guidelines to help you explore and resolve
tensions which you may be feeling about relationships. |
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Do you know what you are
looking for in a relationship? There
are many different reasons for entering into
a relationship - for companionship; for sexual
experience; to have a long-term partner; to
create a family and so on. Do you know what
you are looking for? Have you discussed this
with your partner? If not there is a distinct
possibility that you may both end up seriously
at cross-purposes. |
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Are you asking too much or expecting
too little from your relationship?
A good relationship can provide support, sexual
expression, companionship and eventually an
opportunity to build a joint life. If you are
looking to it to provide more than this - for
example to give you a sense of purpose and worth
or protect you from some deep personal fear
- you may be trying to get a partner to provide
things that in fact only you can achieve. If
on the other hand a relationship brings you
continual grief and unhappiness you may be accepting
for yourself a far lower level of interaction
than you have a right to expect. In particular
no-one deserves to be on the receiving end of
physical or sexual violence. Do look for the
support you need to change or end a relationship
if abuse is happening to you. |
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Have you got a model for the relationship
you are trying to build? Many people
find it helpful to picture a relationship that
they admire and to which they wish to aspire.
It may be the relationship of someone you know
or a fictional one. Consider how the people
in this relationship resolve differences and
difficulties. If it is not obvious and the relationship
is a real one, ask them. If they have never
been seen to have any problems, maybe they are
not a terribly realistic model after all! Finding
such a model can be a particularly difficult
and important task for gay and lesbian couples
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Can you talk about problems?
In all relationships there are going to be times
of serious disagreement, where a conflict of
interests has to be resolved. This doesn't mean
there is something wrong with the relationship.
However, arguing the point out and reaching
agreement does take a bit of skill and practice.
Many relationship counsellors suggests the best
way to resolve a relationship problem is to
speak for up to fifteen minutes about your view
of the problem. The other person listens carefully,
interrupting only to clarify and to help you
express yourself clearly. Then you swap over
and the other person takes a similar time to
explain their point of view. Finally take half-an-hour
to talk together to see if you can resolve the
difference. If you don't succeed this time,
return to the problem a few days later and try
again. |
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If you are not in the habit of talking
in your relationship, it might be interesting to give
it a try. Relationships are one of the curious features
of human existance and can be well worth exploring.
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| Golden
rules for arguing constructively |
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| Do |
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Know
why you are arguing before you start |
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Devote
some time to resolving the problem |
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Sit
down and make eye contact |
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Speak
personally about what you feel |
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Acknowledge
when the other person makes a valid point
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Agree
to differ if you cannot agree |
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Stick
to the matter in hand |
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Cease arguing and separate if there is any likelihood
of violence |
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| Try
not to - |
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Behave
aggressively or disrespectfully |
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Argue
deliberately to hurt the other person's feelings
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Generalise
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Bring
up old unresolved disputes |
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Walk
away without deciding when discussion will be resumed
(unless violence threatens) |
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Bring
other peoples' opinions in |
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Argue
about something for more than an hour |
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Argue
late at night or after drinking |
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| There
are a great range of relationships and of relationship
difficulties. Counselling can be a great help in allowing
to clarify complex relationship problems. |
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Suggested
Reading and Further Help
Relate Guide to Relationships - Sarah Litvinoff
- Vermillion
A
comprehensive and easy to read guide to all aspects of
couple relationships. Includes many case histories and
a lot of self-help exercises.
The USCS
will offer counselling on relationship problems. Non-students
and students requiring specialist help or help outside
the University environment may prefer to contact Relate
(ring 0113 245 2595). Relate also run a national
telephone helpline for relationship problems (Monday -
Friday 9.30-1.00) on 0870 60 12121. Calls are charged
at the normal rate of just under 7p a minute.
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| Sexual
problems |
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| No
one would expect a child to speak fluently without having
to learn and practice. Most people would be surprised
if the Halls of Residence only gave one choice of breakfast
or if all students were expected to dress the same. Ordinary
people expect to have good days and bad days when it comes
to working or performing a sport. However, when it comes
to sex we have a tendency to completely forget that we
are all human and all different, and we expect to have
instant expertise, total conformity and complete predictability.
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| A
relationship therapist once noted down what helped his
clients resolve their sexual difficulties. He found the
largest number of clients were helped by being given permission
- to talk about sex, to express their feelings and to
be as they were. Limited information helped the second
group of clients - information about the range of human
sexual response and about how certain problems came and
went. Specific suggestions about different approaches,
positions or techniques were the third most useful therapeutic
tool. For the final group of clients whose problems were
not helped by these techniques, he offered intensive therapy.
He referred to the approach as PLISSIT for short and it
has become the basis for much sexual therapy. Use it to
help you solve your own sexual difficulties. |
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Permission
Give yourself permission to think about sex, to
fantasise about it and to talk about it and to accept
that it is perfectly alright for you to have your own
likes and dislikes. Sadly many people have grown up with
the idea that it is wrong to have sexual feelings and
desires. Most people find their sexuality is enhanced
when they stop making rules about what they and their
partners ought to like and begin to consider what they
actually do enjoy. We have to keep our sexual activities
within the bounds of what is safe and what does not threaten
the freedom of others. However that does not mean we have
to strait-jacket our thinking. The books recommended below
are intended to be permission giving as is confidential
discussion of concerns in counselling. |
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Limited
information
Ignorance perpetuates many sexual difficulties.
Most peoople can expect to experience a loss of sexual
desire when they are stressed. The simultaneous orgasm
invariably depicted by film-makers and novelists is not
the experience of the majority of couples. Most peoples'
sexual appetite and preference change as they grow older.
Lack of knowledge about contraception and sexually transmitted
diseases can lead to great unhappiness when events occur
which might have been avoided. There is a lot of information
available about sex - in some ways there is so much that
it has maybe become devalued. The books recommended below
contain much useful information and are a good place to
start. |
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Specific
suggestions
Many distressing sexual problems such as pain
on intercourse, inability to achieve orgasm or erectile
problems can be greatly helped by simple changes in sexual
routine or position. Books, medical advice, conversations
with friends or counselling may all help you find these
suggestions; alternatively you may wish to speak to a
sex therapist. |
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Intensive
therapy
The very thought of sex therapy raises most peoples'
anxiety level pretty high! However this anxiety is misplaced
as sex therapy is not the invasive or exposing form of
treatment the tabloids may like to imply it is. Don't
let these fears stop you finding the help you need. The
largest provider of sex therapy and trainer of sex therapists
in the country is Relate (ring 0113 245 2595). Therapy
is provided in complete confidentiality and all the work
is done fully clothed! Counselling is offered to couples
irrespective of their sexuality, and some therapies are
available to individual clients as well. Problems are
normally resolved by means of discusssion, the giving
of appropriate information about human sexual functioning
and by simple behavioural tasks which are completed by
clients in the privacy of their own home between sessions.
The therapy has a very high success rate, although it
does require a committment to following the treatment
programme. |
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| Although
inhibition and ignorance is a major cause of sexual problems,
some people find themselves trapped in a different way.
They have become used to unusual sexual behaviour which
can begin to leave them feeling dissatisfied and possibly
socially isolated. A similar programme to the one above
can still be greatly beneficial. |
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Suggested
Reading
Woman's
Experience of Sex - Sheila Kitzinger - Penguin
The Mirror Within - Anne Dickson - Quartet
Both
books deal with sexuality from the woman's point of view.
Both are comprehensively readable, open-minded and thought-provoking.
Sheila Kitzinger's is slighly more up-front and focussed.
Men
and Sex - Bernard Zilbergeld - Fontana
A
comprehensive and witty book that exposes many modern
sexual myths very well
References
Beavers
W.R. (1985) Successful Marriages WW Norton. NY.
Bowlby
J. (1979)The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds
Tavistock Publications. London. |
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| Adapted from material produced
by Royal Holloway College, the University of London |
