| Surviving sexual abuse |
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Introduction
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The victim's experience
at the time of abuse |
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The survivor's experiences
in later life |
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Helping yourself |
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Further help |
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| Select any section that interests you or
else read on through the page. |
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| Introduction |
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| The term sexual abuse most commonly refers
to the involvement of a young person below the age of
sixteen in sexual activity with a significantly older
person. It is referred to as abuse since it is
assumed in our society that the older person must by definition
be taking advantage of the younger one since a person
under sixteen cannot give informed consent to
sexual activity. Usually the victim of the abuse cannot
understand fully the implications of what is happening
at the time; therefore although he or she may appear to
consent to the activity, the consent is not truly informed.
Although the abuser may also be young, there is usually
a significant age difference and difference of status
between the parties which puts the abuser in a position
of power. This power difference means that even where
there is apparent acquiescence, this is usually based
on fear of the consequences of refusal and so is not true
consent. |
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| The term sexual abuse may also be applied
when one person uses the power they have over another
adult - usually because they are in a position of trust
or influence - to take advantage sexually. |
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| Sexual abuse can be an isolated or a recurrent
event. The activities involved can range from inappropriate
touching to sexual penetration. The abuse can be disguised
as play or it may be a more overt assault. The abuser
may be a relative, an acquaintance or a stranger. While
the abuse is often frightening and traumatic at the time
it occurs, some feelings may not fully impact until a
later date when the occurrence is better understood. |
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| In this leaflet we concern ourselves mainly
with the effect on students of having been a victim of
sexual abuse when they were younger. However, we hope
that this information and the information on rape and
sexual assault will also be of help to those who have
experienced abuse in other situations. |
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| Commonly those who are currently experiencing
abuse are referred to as victims of sexual abuse;
those whose experience of abuse is in the past are referred
to as (adult) survivors of sexual abuse. |
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| Examples of sexual abuse |
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A girl who was sexually abused by
her father until her teens when she eventually reported
what was happening with the result that her father
was tried and imprisoned. |
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A boy who was abused by his football coach and
thought he was alone with the experience until a
number of boys reported being similarly abused several
years later. |
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A young girl whose teenage step-brother used to
play games with her at an early age which she realised
when she reached puberty had been sexually intrusive. |
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A boy who was regularly abused by a trusted uncle
and aunt with whom he was often sent to stay. This
abuse took place over a number of years during which
he was unable to say why he did not wish to visit
these relatives. |
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Two sisters who both suffered abuse at the hands
of a grandfather but who never spoke about it until
many years later. |
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| The experience of abuse is not restricted
to one sex and indeed abusers are not invariably male.
Most recent estimates in Britain suggest at least 10%
of children suffer sexual abuse at some time, with two
thirds of the victims being girls. In over 90% of the
cases the perpetrator of the abuse is male. |
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| The
victim's experience at the time of abuse |
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Victims report feeling very alone
with the experience of abuse. Often they are afraid
of telling, because of fear of retribution or the
consequences for the family. |
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Victims frequently feel they will not be believed
or taken seriously if they tell of what has happened,
and this fear can be confirmed when they do try
to raise the matter. |
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Victims frequently feel guilty. The abuser may
suggest they are to blame for the abuse or they
may take responsibility upon themselves. Children
naturally tend to assume responsibility for events
that are not of their making, and this is particularly
true in the case of abuse. The guilt is increased
if the child has found any aspect of the abuse gratifying. |
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Victims commonly report feeling extremely scared
and confused by the abusive experience. |
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| The
survivor's experiences in later life |
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| Sometimes the experience of abuse appears
to be wholly or partially forgotten for some years while
the survivor continues with their life. Memories may resurface
however when the person is settled in a safe environment,
or may be triggered by specific events such as beginning
a sexual relationship or becoming a parent. |
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| The memories can bring intense feelings
and experiences - |
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Flashbacks
and nightmares. Recollections of the
abusive experience may intrude into the waking
thoughts or may recur in dreams. |
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Shame and guilt. The survivor
may blame themselves; may suffer from low self-esteem
or may feel deeply embarrassed about seeking
help. They may become depressed, harm themselves
and have thoughts of suicide. |
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Intense anger. This may be
directed at the abuser, and may be linked with
a wish to confront or to completely avoid them.
It may also be directed at others who seem to
have colluded with the abuse or may be more
general |
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Disrupted relational patterns.
Some survivors find they tend to avoid intimate
relationships and are distrustful of the motives
of all other people. Others may find they tend
to form very intense intimate relationships
which can be emotionally draining |
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Fear of the consequences of the abuse.
Survivors may wonder whether they will
be able to form normal relationships or whether
they might become abusers themselves. There
may be difficulties in enjoying normal sexual
activities. |
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Isolation and stigmatisation.
Survivors may feel they are totally alone with
their experience. They can feel that they have
been marked out and that somehow others know
of their history without being told and so treat
them differently. |
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| As with human response to any trauma, the
degree of the reaction can vary widely between individuals.
Some people apparently come to terms with very severe
abuse comparatively easily; others find the abuse has
a lasting effect on them. Neither of these responses is
more correct or more healthy than the other. |
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| Helping
yourself |
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| Try not to blame yourself |
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| No matter what the circumstances of the
sexual abuse of a child, it is never the fault or responsibility
of that child. Even if you are aware that there was some
degree of collusion or you feel in hindsight that you
wish you had been able to act differently, this does not
lessen the absolute truth that is the duty of adults to
care for children and protect them from exploitation.
Some survivors find it helpful to observe children who
are the same age that they were when the abuse took place
in order to underline for them how great the power difference
between adults and children really is and how easy it
is for an older person to manipulate the trust, innocence
and vulnerability of a child. |
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| Take care of yourself now |
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| The fact that something bad has been done
to you is not a reason to deny yourself pleasure, or to
punish yourself. It is in fact a reason to care for yourself.
If you can learn to treat your body with respect and kindness,
you will help the healing process. Therefore look for
simple ways to show care for yourself and kindness to
your body. If you find you are tempted to harm yourself
- for example by starving or overindulging, by cutting
yourself or even by attempting suicide - seek help and
support so that you can begin to bring this behaviour
under control. |
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| Find appropriate outlets for your
feelings |
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| If you have been abused you have a perfectly
good reason to be very angry and full of grief. It can
be hard to know what to do with these feelings. It may
not be possible or helpful to express them to the person
responsible. Even if you do, he or she may well fail to
accept responsibility. Feelings can be helped by finding
others who will listen to your story sympathetically and
help you express yourself. Writing down what you feel
can help - many survivors find it helpful to write down
their feelings in the form of a letter - you don’t
have to send it. Many activities can help relieve pent
up feelings of anger - exercise, sport, or simply going
somewhere private or noisy and shouting. Grief can be
relieved by allowing time to reflect and by expressing
the sadness. You may fear that once you allow these feelings
to emerge they may take you over. This is a natural fear;
however in fact the opposite tends to be the case - once
a feeling is allowed adequate expression it becomes more
easy to control. |
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| Try and find both support and privacy |
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| Abuse can be a profoundly isolating experience.
Even when you do speak about it, people may either dismiss
what you tell them or they may over-react. However as
is now recognised, abuse is an all too common experience,
so you are certainly not alone in what you have suffered.
There are now many agencies which will offer appropriate
support and have much expertise in helping survivors heal
themselves. We list some below. |
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| Some people have the opposite experience
and find that the abuse which has happened to them has
become common knowledge, and as a result feel that their
privacy has been invaded. Remember you only need to tell
the people who you want to tell and it is up to you to
decide how much you want to tell them. Certainly no-one
will be able to guess what has happened to you if you
decide not to tell them and no-one has the right to force
their opinions or their advice on you. |
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| Do not despair |
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| Human beings are remarkably resilient and
have a vast capacity for healing themselves. You may well
feel that you have been irreversible damaged emotionally
or even physically; that you may not ever be able to form
a functioning relationships or have an enjoyable sex-life;
that you will never recover. However this is not likely
to be the case. Although you can never change your history,
with time and care you can make sense of what has happened
to you and can minimise the negative effects. |
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| Further
help |
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If you have been abused as a child, you
might want help to make sense of your feelings and worries.
This may be even more true if the abuse is continuing.
Many excellent books have been written on the subject
- some are listed below.
It can be very difficult to trust someone with something
as personal as this and may require a lot of courage.
It may be easier to share your feelings with a stranger
rather than a friend.
Professional counselling agencies such as the USCS employ
counsellors who are trained to work with the effects of
child sexual abuse and who will not be shocked or embarrassed
by anything you may tell them. Your preference for a male
or female counsellor will be respected.
There are also many self-help groups where survivors of
abuse share their experience in safety and learn to deal
with the resulting emotions. Some initial contact addresses
are listed below.
You will know when you are ready to read a book, join
a group or talk to someone alone. Trust your instinct
and seek help when the time is right for you. |
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Books
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Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - M. Angelou - Virago
My Father’s House - S
Fraser - Virago
Personal accounts which survivors have found helpful
The Courage to Heal - Bass and Davis
- Harper and Row
The most common book which many have found useful but
which has been criticised in light of the false memory
debate for treating many everyday personality traits as
though they were clear evidence of past abuse |
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Helplines
The following agencies maintain lists of survivors groups
and other sources of help |
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Samaritans 0345 909090 |
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NSPCC 0800 800500 |
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STAR (Surving Rape and Trauma) 0192 429 8954 |
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Childline 0800 1111 |
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Incest Survivors Action 0113 231 0949 |
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| Adapted from material produced
by Royal Holloway College, the University of London |
